Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Tuesday morning time-out

This morning I woke up needing a time-out.

Time-out from stress, and anxiety. There's a lot on my plate, and taking it all in alone is overwhelming.

First, I have to tell you about the funniest thing has been happening. My Pandora is possessed by Pat Benatar. Every time I log on to Pandora, Pat Benatar plays, no matter what station I was listening to last. So, I decided to delete the Benatar station. I logged on just before starting to write this, and guess who is playing on my Pandora? Pat Benatar!

Reality though, the stress I'm going through is not that funny, I wish it were.

In the Bible, Jesus tells us not to worry. To cast our fears, anxieties and stress onto him. I think that's easy to do when it comes to exercising, cleaning the house, putting up with drama with the neighbors, family or friends,  and even when you need to fall asleep at night but what happens when the problems you face are far to great? What happens when you're facing a challenge that is so much stronger and more serious? A problem that is so strong it can't be solved with prayers, or with an exercise routine.

God, and Jesus (to me they are two different people) are not in the business of creating miracles. If they were, I'd be stress free right now! Faith without work is dead- but my work isn't enough, nor is my faith.  I say my prayers, okay maybe not often enough but in a practical world, I've exhausted realistic approaches and there's no give. I'm on the losing end and no matter what I do, I don't think I'm coming out of this with a success story anytime soon.

One group of people tell me to exercise when I feel stressed. Well there genius, you are preaching to the choir considering how far ahead I am of you on that one. Sometimes, I just want to  scream, "Really? So if my four mile run didn't solve the problem, neither will a noon time yoga class, an afternoon, swim or an evening weight session. I mean seriously, how many times a day do I need to exercise anyway?"
But I don't have to be hateful, I can just say, 'Bless your heart!'

The only way it'll be reasonable for me to workout all day is if I'm either rich, or getting paid to exercise. I may be single, and living alone but I'm not rich. If I were rich, then I wouldn't be going through this anxiety because I wouldn't be faced with this (fill in the blank with a swear word of your choice).

Skipping a morning workout was a wise idea considering I needed to sit still and really focus on some practical solutions. Secondly, I'm sick of using exercising as an escape from stress. I prefer to focus on the workout, so don't worry, I do have a date with my dumbbells, yoga mat and running shoes tonight. I'll probably be stronger, and more effective later anyway.

Participating in the What's Beautiful, Under Armour Woman's challenge is the best decision I've made this year. It's keeping me focused, and driven. My goal is to run a 5K in less than 23 minutes, sounds a little lofty right?
 My long-term dream is to be a certified trainer, and yoga teacher. Sounds like a practical dream to have right? To have both, it would open up doors not only in the gyms and studios, but in writing. However, I need about $3,000 to achieve both goals, and that is not practical as of now. To spare myself time, and to keep this blog short, I tend to believe not being certified is both a blessing and a curse.

My wish is to have a stronger network group because the majority of people I know in my every day life don't want me to live athletic. My wish is that the people who (say they) support me to stop telling me to go in a different direction, and to help me with what I've been working so hard to achieve. I'm often advised to go in the opposite direction of doing what I want to do- and to do the opposite of what genuinely makes me feel happy, complete and worthy. It breaks my heart, my soul and my spirit to know that the people who claim to be my friend, who claim they love me always try to curb my goal. I have to do this alone to get it done, and in the end when I do accomplish my goals, I'm alone. Not because I pushed people out of my life, but because people pushed themselves out by doubting me.
I'm sick of negative comments being the source of my drive, and the reason for getting it done.

I do put exercise on the top of my priority list, right alongside writing. I'm so passionate about the two it scares me. Since I've accepted Jesus at Christmas, I've decided to treat my commitment to living a Christian life like I treat my exercise goals, it's worked for me. But I wish that it were easy with all the other obstacles. With work, with finances, with friendships. Learning how to be an entrepreneur with zero over-head in a field where I probably need a couple hundred dollars to get started- not to mention a few hundred for personal cost of living expenses is difficult. I digress.

 I'm thankful that Sunday's service was about "What to do when unforeseen circumstances derail me!" Because right now, that is my biggest of all big problems. I'm  so derailed - that it'll take a lot to get me back on the right tracks.

In John 21, Jesus does  not tell the fishermen who have been sitting for hours waiting for fish to get out of the boat to go to another lake to find fish. He tells them to throw the fishing net to the other side of the boat. Soon, the net was filled with fish.

Today, I will not get out of the boat I've been in but I guess I will throw 'my fishing net' to other side of that boat, and see what happens.






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