Failing to meet my expectations

Sunday's service at church was really powerful, and it spoke directly to me. What an awesome time for a service to be about what to do when you fail to meet your own expectations.

It was planned that a guest Pastor named Johnathan Martin from Renovatus Church would deliver the sermon. I was impressed with his message, I can see why my Pastor Steven Furtick looks up to him.
I could talk about this topic and how it effects my own life in a variety of ways. This is how I interpreted the message for two areas of my life.

 I set my expectations of myself rather high! In reality, I'm a dreamer like all other Pisces women!

I've recently set my athletic goals high for an amazing competition with a sports brand. I hope this time, I at least reach my own goals, if not win this "What's Beautiful" competition with Under Armour. In the past, I've unfortunately failed to reach many sports goals. A lot of that is of my own doing- other times it's because I didn't have the best competition day.

Training isn't always easy- nor is training always fun.

I take that back. Training is always fun, that's why I do it. If I didn't have fun, why would I do it?

Same for my walk with Jesus. Making the sacrifice to follow Christ's ways isn't easy- and there are a lot of people who have their eye out on you just waiting to see you fail. People love to call Christians hypocrites.

How coincidental- a lot of people have this sick hope that an athlete does fail. Or worse, quit.

I've met some of the most disrespectful men when I trained at my best. Some guys do like to kid around when they see a woman lifting weights, I know the difference between a joke and an insult. Especially when the comment comes from the man you're living with.

Who needs enemies with boyfriends like the ex from Upstate?

What I've experienced has led me to where I am today. My failed relationship with Mr. Upstate led me closer to God. Again, that upset him. Wow, how about that! He didn't like that I was a jock, a writer, and a Catholic.
I was- still am- embarrassed that I allowed myself to live with someone so opposite of me. He preferred to encourage me to give up on my good habits then to encourage my athletic and Religious goals. I feel like I wasted a year of my life - one that I'll never be able to get back. God saw me through those days though, somehow. Sunday's message taught me that maybe I needed to be in that "waste space" so that I could get to my best space.

God may not approve of all the decisions I've made in life. I've sinned more often than I care to admit. But that's why Jesus died on the cross- to forgive us for our sins. He may not condone my actions, but he won't condemn me either.

I don't believe that God controls my life. I believe he gives me a choice. I never know which choice is the right one- but God will be my guide.If I lift my heart, and sights on things above, he will work with what I give him.

Pastor J.Martin's made some points that will be memorable for a long time.

Your greatest failure, and disappointment is an opportunity for greatest encounter with God!
Don't be quick to assume that means it's okay to sin, or fail on purpose.
My relationship with Mr. Upstate started with a good friendship and we had both hoped to build a long amazing life together. Unfortunately, when we lived together our differences stuck out like daggers and kept hitting us in the heart. I knew early on he was wrong for me- but I worked with him until I could no longer try. I don't wish to discuss the details of our relationship- but I can say that I was becoming the woman I never wanted to be and failed to live up to my own personal beliefs and gave into fear, as opposed to ending the relationship when I first saw the red flag.
The good news is, I was able to move on and I hope that I am getting stronger. Since then, I've experienced some amazing days- and some pretty bad days. I've sinned a lot too- but never on purpose- only because I have a weakness. Oh and, I'm human. Imperfect human at that.

Accusations will keep me from an encounter with the advocate!
This message was based around John 8 in the Bible

This is the point that struck the hardest with me. I can't blame anyone else but myself for my failed relationship with Mr. Upstate. I can't blame anyone else but my failures in running, and fitness competitions, and in my sports goals. Nor can I blame anyone but myself for my struggles that are too personal to publicize.
I can't accuse others of wrong-doing when I know I do wrong. Sometimes I feel that I try to hard to please others- and that is where I find myself failing the most. When I worried about rejecting Mr. Upstate because I didn't want to hurt him, or that I feared that I was judging - I ended up making the biggest mistake of my life, and that  led to a lot self-destructive behavior and depression.
Accusing others for not being able to reach my goal is a sign of my guilt. It's my fault I choose to spend time with people who are so opposite of me. I fear trying to play God by judging others- so instead of standing by Him in His ways, I disappoint Him more by hanging out with the wrong crowd, and give the wrong man a chance. (Sidenote: I still believe I wasn't meant to meet the right guy until later in my life, so no, I didn't miss Mr. Right!)
I'm thankful Pastor J. Martin said that there is nothing more satanic then accusing others. I wish I understood that then. I should've never blamed or accused Mr. Upstate for my life failures. I moved in with him- with an intuitive feeling that I should not have done so.
Had I known who God really was in 2008- I would've never moved out of my gorgeous home in Boston to live with an evil New York Jets and Yankees fan. OKAY- I kid I kid about the latter part...but he was the wrong guy and I didn't see that because I didn't live in the will of God. I was lost, and confused and that seemed to be my only option.
I need to learn that when I stand with God, I'm not judging anyone because I am doing what He called me to do. Not allowing someone to have my heart because he is not choosing to live in God's way is not judging.
I'm thankful God comforted me for making the wrong choices.

Another point to bring up would be that it is satanic for Christians to go around pointing out other Christians faults. So don't get caught throwing rocks.

Our sin doesn't change God, it changes our perspective of God!
How awesome is it that I am now able to learn God's ways by leaning on him when I feel my weakest. How awesome is it that I can now pass my worries on to God- pass my fears and problems on to Him and He will be there to comfort me. I don't have to wait until I'm free of sin to go to church or read the Bible. I can learn to over-come my bad habits while learning the ways of God. The more time I spend in church- the easier it is to break my bad habits. There are a few times when I thought it would be inappropriate to pray because I had made big mistakes- and I didn't want God to think I was using Him to guide me through the bad times ...seeing as though I didn't praise him in my good times.
The good news is, it is okay to meet God half-way; instead of trying so hard to fix myself before I pray. I should pray with thanks, and pray for forgiveness.

I'm fully seen, fully known and fully loved even in all of my brokenness! 
You can run, but you can't hide from God. I believe God proved that in the book of Genesis when Adam tried to hide from God after he ate the forbidden fruit because he was naked, and filled with shame.
God knows when I'm acting deceitful by depending on the ways of man (and women for you politically correct types)- and on the ways of immediate satisfaction. God may not reject me when I pray to him when I ask for forgiveness for making a bad decision. But I will pay the price of failure when I try to run a 5K after drinking too many beers.

I need to remember that I'm human and I'll make mistakes tonight-tomorrow and in the future. If I continue to train, to write, and live by Gods ways as an aunt, a  single woman, a daughter, a sister,  a writer and as an athlete- it will become easier to accomplish my goals and will probably make it easier for God to respond to my prayers with a solid, loud booming yes.

Yesterday concluded the Expectation Gap series.  I look forward to the summer project Elevation Church has prepared for us followers!
I hope that you one day join me in visiting my Church, even if you watch online at www.elevationnetwork.org.