It's time to live

It's not that I've been purposely dodging it...it's that...I wanted to make sure it would be a perfect vacation.

Since I was young, of gosh please don't ask exactly how old I really was when I first said, "When I grow up, I'm moving to California." As of now, I'm thinking a trip to California has been in my dreams for 23 years.

Twenty -three years.... That's a long time to want something.


At a ripe young age, I said I was going to California to be a model just like Christie Brinkley. Then I wanted to be an actress, singer, dancer, just like Madonna.
I fell in love with entertainment. It was all things singing, dancing, movies, TV Sitcoms like Growing Pains that made me happy.

At 13, I found myself obsessing over rock stars like bad boy bands Motley Crue...oy...it is embarressing to admit I actually liked the 80s hair bands but I was a young, inexperienced teenager living in a small town on the East Coast going to a Catholic School where I dressed so totally different than my classmates. I was in New Hampshire where nothing important or entertaining ever happens except for an Indy or NASCAR race twice a year. Oh and Motorcycle Week...where ugly, over-sized men rode around on over-priced Harley Davidson's. (Except for my mom and dad of coarse, they're probably the cutest couple on a Harley, don't you think?)
As for music, the only other alternative was ....New Kids on the Block and I sure as hell wasn't going to be a part of that teeny-bopper crowd.
I wanted to be a part of the West Coast, the California crowd. I wanted to party on Sunset and shop on Rodeo Drive. I wanted to go to movie premiere's and film festivals. I wanted to go to concerts and take naps on the beaches. I wanted to go to University of Los Angelas and study film, screenwriting and journalism.

I knew at 13 I was going to be a writer. I wanted to write for rock magazines. I wanted to follow the Crue, Poison, Guns'n Roses and all other wanna be rock star bands that got as far as one hit wonder albums. I wanted to write movies and books and model and act and ....I wanted to do all the entertainment things....or at least one of them. I knew I couldn't sing; I wasn't that good at learning how to play guitar or piano; I realized I probably wasn't that good of a dancer....I saw that I kicked ass at modeling and photography but more importantly I could write about it. So .... that was that. At 13, I did know it all. I knew what I wanted and no one would stop me.

Then I went to high school and it all fell apart. I guess I grew up....or maybe I just accepted that I was a NH native and nothing special ever happens to a NH person, right?

To spare you the boring details of my young adult life, I'll fast forward to today. I now know that I can make it happen and I wish I knew at 18, when it was time to decide if I was going to make my dream to be a UCLA student come true that if I dove in head first without looking around to see what everyone else thought...that I could and would be successful. I seriously would've packed my bags and moved to UCLA but I was too young and stupid and too easily influenced by friends and fear.
Coulda, woulda, shoulda....woe is me. Please don't pity me, I'm grown up now.

It's all in the past and I'm over it. Today, I look at my life and see, if not now, when?
Had you told me at say, 22 I was going to be interviewing Jeff Gordon or Dale Earnhardt JR in the press room at Charlotte Motor Speedway I would've laughed. Had you told me at 32 I was going to do that, I would've told you that you were high on crack and heroine combined.
So what, my ten seconds with Gordon and Earnhardt didn't happen like I dreamed it would have but it happened.
Just like my 15 seconds on stage at Fitness Atlantic, CT,  Boston and at World Natural Sports Organization in Toronto, Canada happened.
If I want it...I make it happen...somehow.
I wanted to go to New York Film Academy and sure....I didn't get to spend two or three years in New York City or Los Angelas as a Film major...but I at least took writing classes from NYFA professors online. It's how things are done nowadays. We writers can take classes online. Why not?

So....with all of that being said, when oh when will I get up off my ass and book my trip to California?
I promised myself on Friday that I would make it to Cali before December 31st, 2012. Even if I have to hitch hike there....and considering the fact that I have an uncle that actually did that back in 1972 when beatniks and hippies were cool...then I guess I can too. I have less road to travel then he did. I'm in Charlotte, NC...he was in some small town in Quebec, Canada . I forgot how long it took him, but, he made it to San Fransisco.

So now that I've decided to go to Cali some time next year...
I need to decide where exactly I'm going and I'm going to have to accept that it won't be as perfect as I may want it to.
 In a perfect world, I'd have money and money and ample amounts of money,time, friends and a guy and I'd do everything I'd love to do but that's not my reality.

 I accept I will not go to Napa Valley to drink expensive red wine with friends or a special someone for days.
I can accept that I won't have 30 days to travel from Napa Valley to San Diego in some cool convertable.
Nor do I have the means or the time to go and blow time and cash on a few parties in Hollywood.
I also can't afford to be a tourist either. Nope. No trips to this studio or that place or this place. 
So, what will I do?

What I've been waiting to do. Writers conferences and film festivals.
I'm ready to talk to 1,000 agents and producers and I'm sure 999, if not 1,000 of them, will reject me.

I'm ready to visit California alone. I accept I won't be with friends or a special person...I accept I won't have a whole shit load of money to blow and I won't come back with memorabilia or cool pictures....I accept I won't travel from one end of the state to the other. I accept that I'll be 1 in a million trying to impress this agent or that producer. But if I don't do it....nothing in my life will mean anything.

I'm ready for whatever happens. It's time...and I'm holding myself accountable. Hence, the purpose of this blog.

So here it is, my heart on my sleeve, my script in my hands and nothing else.

Time to live.

Time to plan.