Daydream to story

Sometimes, I let my mind wander off and I start to daydream about the things I  know I'll never have. I think we all do it from time to time: Is it a healthy thing to do?
 I did a lot of daydreaming when I was a teenager, and I  took that as a sign to write fiction. I have a lot of short fiction stories that were never finished. I have a lot of characters that lived sad, happy, exciting, boring, scary, heartbreaking and amazing lives. I have character's I'd love to re-visit - and other characters I hope I never write about again.
It has been awhile since I wrote anything meaningful and worth sharing. It's been almost two months since I've written a fiction piece. I've considered participating in NaNo again this year. How I miss getting lost in a fictional world that I created. For those you unfamiliar with NaNo, it's an acronym that it stands for National November Writers Month. It's a competition with yourself to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I believe I got as far as 28,000 words last year, maybe 30,000.  Or maybe it was 26,000- I don't know, I'm a writer, not a mathematician, I really don't remember how many words I really write.
This year however, instead of trying to write 50,000 words in 30 days, I'd like to focus on the story I have worked on and focus on getting a start to actually have a book published- by the year 2015.
Or maybe, just maybe I'll try to write a whole new story with new characters living in a world I've yet to explore. I have a week to decide what I'll do.

Right now though, I'd like to share a piece of my mind. A few days ago, I daydreamed of owning a restaurant.
I have it all planned out. It would be a smaller sized place where I'd turn it into an athlete's heaven. I'd serve coffee and healthy breakfast. Oranges, and freshly squeezed orange juice, and I'd make smoothies using the fruit I bought at the local farmers stand.  I'd serve apples and apples sauces, and apple cinnamon treats that I made from apples in the fall, and I'd serve watermelon treats in the summers.
I'd serve fresh, crispy raw vegetable snacks and lunches.
For this to be a successful place of business for all athletes, I'd have to serve meats, and protein dishes for the bodybuilders and for those who cannot live on a vegetarian/vegan diet.
I'd prepare meals for those preparing for a competition; for those competing in 5Ks, or marathons; for those cutting weight for an MMA fight, and for those refueling after their competitions. I'd offer catering services to yoga studios, spas and local gyms.
I'd also cook some meals for homeless shelters, especially during the holidays.

My shop would be colorful- with avocado colored walls, with strawberry colored writing. I'd have white tables and chairs, and a bar. I'd have a magazine rack, a bookshelf.  I'd probably play music to chill out to- mellow new age songs that are relaxing.

I'm falling in love with cooking my own dishes, and I live alone so I'm the only one that gets to eat my food. So I'll share a dish I made today. It's called "Tuna Avocado Spinach Salad." There are many ways I could make this, but this is the main raw dish.

Spinach, romaine lettuce and mustard greens on the bottom

Cucumbers, carrots and zucchini

Avocado blended with onion and white albacore tuna fish

Drizzled with fresh squeezed lime

But the only place I own this restaurant  is in a world I'll never live in except in my own imagination.
Maybe this is the world I should explore for a new story.  What would my character's journey in the story be? How could I create a plot that's centered in a small restaurant?
I'd have a big deal chain restaurant trying to destroy the small town owner. Something a lot of people can relate

Or maybe I just  daydream about this restaurant because the only food the coffee shops sell around here are fattening pastries, cakes and cookies and brownies and foods that aren't made for athletes.

Maybe I'm just tired of the rude disrespectful comments people can make about healthy eating- and I dream of a place to eat where healthy food is appreciated- and not perceived as a deprivation.

Maybe...I'm just happier than you think I am

I'm not a typical chic. I'm quite unconventional- and I don't fit the stereotype of what a 37 year-old woman should look, think and act like.
What a 37 year-old woman should look like is beyond me, because no one has told me. I'm afraid to find out too, considering when I tell people I'm 37, they respond with a wild look on their face: bugged out eyes and wide open mouth,  and  a loud gasp. If I had a nickel for every time I heard:  "Oh My God! No way! You're lying!  I would've never guessed!" I'd be rich right now.
Never been married. Never had children. Nor do I yearn for the day I meet a man and have a child, live in a two story house with a white picket fence and a dog named Zoey.
Oh, and my career has fallen apart.
Sure- I crashed and burned in my career and now I'm back to zero.
Sometimes I feel the only thing I'm successful in is failing.
So there. Nothing about me says I'm 37. I confess, I've shed some tears, but I've decided to stop wasting my time feeling sorry for myself.
With all the bad luck I've been through since I've moved to Charlotte, you'd think I'd be miserable and run back to New England to hide in the comforts of my childhood home. But I didn't do that. Yet.

I'd rather move out west first. That's a different blog for another day.

I've realized that almost every wild, supposedly unrealistic dream I've ever had has at one point started to come true. Because it seems the dream to have a steady, stable conventional job at the office of a Fortune 500 company in Uptown Charlotte is suddenly- unrealistic and unattainable. Even though that is where my experience once was.
My newest goal is discovering what I need to do to continue writing about the athletic life I live - and answering the most important question: do I really want to pursue a sports journalism career where I'll interview famous rich athletes? If so, what sport? Can I cover more than one and should it be local sports or should I aim higher, go big, go for pro-sports?


I've finally read the book, Laws of the Ring by Urijah Faber, a successful Pro-MMA fighter in the UFC's bantamweight division. He tells the stories of his life, and of those who have made impressionable changes in their lives. It's eloquently written and personal. I laughed at some stories, I cried at other stories. Most important, I've gained a lot of respect for Faber. I've considered writing a traditional book review for it but
I've never met 'The California Kid' but I've invested a lot of time researching the internet, stayed awake until 4 AM watching videos on YouTube a few nights in a row and I find it hard to believe that one of the most dangerous men in the cage might actually be a kind hearted, loving, comical man outside of the ring. 

I think everyone has read that one book that stuck in their head and heart and suddenly their life changed. 'The Laws of the Ring' is that book for me. It's almost as if Faber reached out punched me in the face. After years of living life full throttle, wide open in the fast lane I crashed. 
Unlike a NASCAR race,  have no spotter standing above me telling me when danger is ahead, nor is there a yellow flag waived if there's a wreck, or debris on the track to my future. 
Maybe Faber's book is the yellow caution flag waving in my face, because today,  I have no choice but to stop and proceed forward slowly.  (Or for you UFC fans-the book maybe the referee that stopped the opponent  from pounding me to death while I lay limp and unconscious on the floor). Now I'm wide awake, I've already taken action and started to answer some of the questions I asked two paragraphs above.
I hope that on December 31st  I'll write an essay that putting his 'Laws of Power' advice did work for me.

I'm putting it out there for the world to see without reservations. What more can you expect from a writer anyway? Fall goal to accomplish: put to practice the advice I get from the book I read, and the people I choose to surround myself with. Hope you stick around - if not that's cool. I won't be offended.

Week 1: Passion

I know I have a lot of passions, and if I could have it all, I'd have three careers. But that's impossible because I can't be in three places at the same time. I can't be competing in a fitness competition in Boston while working as a sports writer in another city and at a movie writers' conference in San Franscio all in the same weekend. I have to pick one of the three - and stick to it.
I know what I love. I know when I'm happy. I'm not even sure I know why I'm happy when I do what I love to do, I just know that when I'm focused I'm good at it and it makes me happy. I know, I'm a bit "unconsciously competent"  in fitness and writing and that's okay. I'm going to learn how to be a better instructor/educator and leader in these fields.
When I'm at the gym working out on something- or when I'm writing about a sport I love a strong sense of happiness over-comes me. It's the same strong happy, giddy feeling I got when I was writing articles while in the media center of a NASCAR race. It was the beginning of what could have been an amazing career but it ended abruptly. 
Faber discusses failure and losing, and learning from your mistakes in his book. I've already mentioned that I'm really good at failing- and now I'm ready to forgive myself  for the first time in a year. I have to say I didn't really fail, I don't suck at journalism or interviewing or writing. I've outgrown my NASCAR dreams. I've matured because of my experience and I'm a better person because of my time there. My biggest fear has been to walk away and leave it behind. I didn't want to downsize my experience to a hobby, but I can use that experience as my jumping off point to where I'll eventually be. Now I'm ready to pursue other writing opportunities, and I'm no longer afraid to relocate to another city or state if I have to.
I love to write and love to live. I have a long list of different experiences in my life and I'm learning to use that to my advantage. 

 I finally had the chance to check an item off of my bucket list last Saturday. I went out on the lake to do stand up paddle boarding. It was an amazing experience. I was balanced and in control on the board. Coincidentally, one of my yoga teachers tweeted recently, "How we train our bodies on the mat has a direct correlation to how we train our minds off the mat." If that is true- then I should believe how well I practiced yoga on a paddle board means I have what it takes to live a well balanced life that I can control. 
As the session came to an end,  our boards had drifted off to shallow waters. In a transitional move, while going down, I somehow fell off the board and landed in a perfect plank position. It was awesome- and the water was refreshing. I got back on the board and finished the 'SUP' lesson off strong. Just like I hope I end this crazy year - stronger, more balanced, stable and happy.

I am passionate about living, learning new sports, meeting athletes and writing about them. 
And that makes me exceptionally happy. 

Tuesday Tunes: Kenny Chesney - Boston

I love music so much - and at times it does make me sad that I never took time out to learn how to play guitar. But that's not important now. As a teen, I figured, if I can't grow up to be the musician, might as well be the journalist that writes about the musicians. Little did I know then how life would turn out- I should've never walked away from that childhood dream of mine!

Because I am a writer, I always wondered if I'd be able to write the lyrics to a song. I've tried to write songs, but without rhythm or melody- it's just a bunch of words. Song writing is not like poetry- or journalism- or fiction story writing.
Sometimes, when I'm daydreaming I wonder what a singer would write about if I told them my story. Sometimes, a song feels like it was written for me, have you ever felt that way about any song?

I often joke that Kenny Chesney writes songs about me, and some songs for me. I can sit still and listen to his music. Especially to the sound of his voice as he sings one song after another without getting bored. But I do think when I listen to his songs- sometimes too deeply. He has a way to pull me into the music- and there are times tears will spill out of my eyes. We have lots in common, that Chesney and I. He loves the islands, the beach; and loves to walk around barefoot in the warm sand. He loves rum- he even made a bottle/brand of his own called Blue Chair Bay Rum. Can't wait to try it with pineapples and coconuts.

I hate that I'm missing him in concert in Charlotte this weekend. I also  hate to admit, I've never seen him play live. I've entered many online contests to try to win tickets to no avail., and I've yet to get lucky.

One night, I wondered- if Kenny Chesney were to write a song about me, what would he write? Then- I heard the song Boston. My heart skipped some beats.
Hold up - that song seems to fit me to a T! It's an island song- with soft acoustic guitar. If you know me well, you'll understand why this means a lot to me! The only thing is, I moved to Charlotte, not some warm tropical island, but I can't wait to find myself in a place so warm and real. So here are the lyrics to one (of many) favorite Chesney song!

She comes from Boston
Works at the jewelry store
Down in the harbor
Where the ferries come to shore
She never really knew how good it would feel
To finally find herself in a place so warm and real

She wears a Red Sox cap
To hide her baby dreads
The girl she was in New England
Is different now and dead
In all the local bars
She flirts and tells the boys while they're talkin'
She's from Boston

She comes from Boston
Talks to her family now and then
Through e-mails and postcards
She tries to explain to them
That education and occupation will have to wait for now
She loves the Rasta, reggae rhythms, her dreams have changed somehow

She wears a Red Sox cap
To hide her baby dreads
The girl she was in New England
Is different now and dead
In all the local bars
She flirts and tells the boys while they're talkin'
She's from Boston

Her toes dig deep and deeper in the sand
She's seduced by the sunsets and her new life at hand

She wears a Red Sox cap
To hide her baby dreads
The girl she was in New England
Is different now and dead
In all the local bars
She flirts and tells the boys while they're talkin'
She's from Boston

She wears a Red Sox cap
To hide her baby dreads
From Boston
She came to this island from Boston

Songs of pain, of love and songs of Jesus

I love music, honestly, who doesn't love music? 

As a kid, I wanted to be a singer. As I got older, I realized I didn't have the voice, nor did I have the patience to learn how to play music. It was also hard to learn without a guitar, or a piano in the house. I tried playing the trumpet in fourth grade, that didn't work out right. 

My lack of talent doesn't stop me from loving all sounds of music though. I've loved a plethora of bands ranging from every genre, and generation. Music brings peace to my life and motivates me to feel better, and keeps me moving when I'm running or exercising. It also heals pain. Music has a way to soothe the heart, and calm my fears. It has its way over me, to relax me when I need to relax as much as I need energy. I could write a lot about music, but I won’t do that now. 

On Sunday, I woke up early and turned Pandora on to one of my many favorite stations, 'Sugarland' singing a favorite song, 'Settlin.'  I sang along with her, out-of sync and not caring because these lyrics ring true to my personal life:

"I ain't settlin' for just getting by

I've had enough so so, for the rest of my life

Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high 

Just enough ain't enough this time I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything, yeah" 

Singers write songs about life, and often they know it'll a different meaning to each fan that hears the song, but this one is true to single ladies who are happy single, and refuse to just date any guy that tells her she's beautiful, or because he's just 'nice' to us. The song ended and the next one played. It was from the Dixie Chicks. The song, "Not ready to make nice," is old but still means a lot to me for a few reasons. I decided to tweet my thoughts, I wrote (and edited for this blog, since I have room for more than 140 characters). 

"Not ready to make nice" by Dixie Chicks has a very strong meaning to me! Gives me goose bumps when I hear it! Some things are never forgotten!"

Unfortunately, that is true. Forgiveness is important, sounds nice. But forgetting, I don't think I can. As she sang the song, I sang along with her:

"I'm not ready to make nice! I'm not ready to back down! 

I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right. I probably wouldn't if I could! 

‘Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should!"

There's a lot of truth to that because there are many people in my life who have hurt me, deceived me, and betrayed my trust. I've been lied to; I've been mocked, and I've been rejected. 

I'm sure you have too. 

It doesn't bother me that I’m single, and never experienced marriage but sometimes, but it is hard and expensive to live alone and have the burden of bills all on my shoulders. Single isn't as easy as married couples assume it is. I'm a freelancer, struggling with permanent employment, and more importantly, struggling with trusting anyone with my future. Will things ever change for the better? When? How? All important questions with no easy answers.

At 9:30, it was time for church to start. Once again, I stayed home to watch online. I already knew what the sermon would be about, I watched Saturday's service on the internet. I knew what songs they'd sing, and that prompted me to listen again.

My sister once made a correct observation that my church isn't normal. "It's like a rock concert," she said.

She is right. It does seem like you're at a rock concert when you're there. But that doesn't matter, there is no right or wrong way to worship Jesus when it comes to music. I often wondered, if my Catholic school would've worshiped like we do at Elevation, would I have taken my church more seriously? Probably not. I may not have been as bad as pop culture portrayed in some movies, but I was a rebellious Catholic school girl in uniform and loved rock'n roll.

Pastor Steven Furtick loved rock music when he grew up too, and so I presume that is one reason why the band plays on stage like they would in a rock show. The songs are all about Jesus, make no mistake. My church believes in the power of song, and the power to raise your voice and sing loud, and to allow yourself to feel the presence of God through music. 

Tell you what, it works. It sometimes even brings tears to your eyes. 

Today, I was caught off guard. Even though it hit me later on -like in the middle of the night when I should have been asleep - I realized the message in the songs were directed to me (so it seems). I listen to Elevation Worship on Pandora, as well as few worship bands like ‘Hillsong,’ and ‘Jesus Coulture.’  I've had time to reflect on the worship songs as I wrote this.

 Isreal Houghton, a popular worship singer, song writer and guitar player was a guest playing with the band at church this weekend. One of the first songs they played is called, 'Greater,' a song with a valuable message that means God is greater than anything else in this world. He is greater than our troubles, our fears, our heartaches. He has power over us, if we let Him have it. There is no one else like Him.

Houghton reminded us during the song, that Jesus has such strong power over the enemy that He was risen from the dead. His power over the bad luck in our careers, and those who betray and hurt us. He asked, if we know that, why would we give the power to the enemy and not to Jesus? Note the lyrics to the chorus of the song: 

"You have over-come the world, took the keys from death and hell. 

Joining in Heaven we declare,

 You're Greater!" 

Once again, if we know this, why must we allow ourselves to feel pity for our unfortunate circumstances? If we let the love of God over-power our minds, and our lives, there's no room for the devil to control us. 

Another powerful song that we love to sing at Elevation, originally sung by Jesus Culture  is called  'One thing Remains.'

Choosing to live in Jesus' ways isn't easy. Answers don't come to us so quickly. It's a matter of Faith, and belief that there is something Greater then us. If we don't forgive, it's actually an insult to Jesus. It's easy to forget that, but, Jesus did forgive us for sinning by dying on the cross. 

Is there anyone in your life that you believe loves you like Jesus does? I believe I see that love in my mother's eyes, in her actions, and her guidance. My dad, sister and niece have shown that kind of love to me too. With all the rejection that I've faced - and when the world walks out on me, there's one thing that remains with Jesus - and he proves that to me through my family.

"Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out me. Because,

on and on an on an on it goes. It overwhelms and satisfies my soul, 

and I never have to be afraid because one thing remains, 

your love fails never gives up never runs out one me. 

In death, and in life, I'm confident, and covered by the power of your great love.

My debt is paid, there's nothing that can separate my heart. Your love never fails!"

You can sing that all day because on and on and on it goes. It's easy to be inspired after hearing the songs. It's easy to get caught up in the show of the worship experience, it's easy to sing the songs every day, all day. But do you believe the meaning of the songs in your heart? I'm sure you do. But do you believe in your actions toward yourself, and your friends, family and co-workers? If we believe it, why do we allow ourselves to remember the rejections, and fear the future? Why do we fear failure?

The final song the band played was one that Pastor wrote with Houghton. The title is 'Grace so Glorious.' The meaning is strong, and we should allow grace to fill our hearts, and minds in times of trial. We should also learn to forgive ourselves for our sins, including the sin to worry, and become anxious, scared, and not trusting others in our lives. The chorus reminds us that Jesus is:

"Crowned in glory to glory worthy is the Lord of all the glory, forever holy is the Lord. 

Triumphant praises without end, all hailing the king of righteousness, 

and every eye beholds the One our hearts were undeserving of with a grace so glorious."

I may not be 'ready to make nice, not ready to back down.' But that's okay, though I can't change the past, and go back in time to make it all right, I can believe that with God, One thing Remains, his love is Greater, and his Grace is Glorious! My future can change for the better at a moments notice. I've decided that 'I ain't settlin'. That it's time to raise the bar high, because I'm tired of shooting so low.
 I think that my God agrees, and He is tired of seeing how I sell myself short and shooting too low.

Today, I will move forward without fear, but with courage.