Songs of pain, of love and songs of Jesus

I love music, honestly, who doesn't love music? 

As a kid, I wanted to be a singer. As I got older, I realized I didn't have the voice, nor did I have the patience to learn how to play music. It was also hard to learn without a guitar, or a piano in the house. I tried playing the trumpet in fourth grade, that didn't work out right. 

My lack of talent doesn't stop me from loving all sounds of music though. I've loved a plethora of bands ranging from every genre, and generation. Music brings peace to my life and motivates me to feel better, and keeps me moving when I'm running or exercising. It also heals pain. Music has a way to soothe the heart, and calm my fears. It has its way over me, to relax me when I need to relax as much as I need energy. I could write a lot about music, but I won’t do that now. 

On Sunday, I woke up early and turned Pandora on to one of my many favorite stations, 'Sugarland' singing a favorite song, 'Settlin.'  I sang along with her, out-of sync and not caring because these lyrics ring true to my personal life:

"I ain't settlin' for just getting by

I've had enough so so, for the rest of my life

Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high 

Just enough ain't enough this time I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything, yeah" 

Singers write songs about life, and often they know it'll a different meaning to each fan that hears the song, but this one is true to single ladies who are happy single, and refuse to just date any guy that tells her she's beautiful, or because he's just 'nice' to us. The song ended and the next one played. It was from the Dixie Chicks. The song, "Not ready to make nice," is old but still means a lot to me for a few reasons. I decided to tweet my thoughts, I wrote (and edited for this blog, since I have room for more than 140 characters). 

"Not ready to make nice" by Dixie Chicks has a very strong meaning to me! Gives me goose bumps when I hear it! Some things are never forgotten!"

Unfortunately, that is true. Forgiveness is important, sounds nice. But forgetting, I don't think I can. As she sang the song, I sang along with her:

"I'm not ready to make nice! I'm not ready to back down! 

I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right. I probably wouldn't if I could! 

‘Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should!"

There's a lot of truth to that because there are many people in my life who have hurt me, deceived me, and betrayed my trust. I've been lied to; I've been mocked, and I've been rejected. 

I'm sure you have too. 

It doesn't bother me that I’m single, and never experienced marriage but sometimes, but it is hard and expensive to live alone and have the burden of bills all on my shoulders. Single isn't as easy as married couples assume it is. I'm a freelancer, struggling with permanent employment, and more importantly, struggling with trusting anyone with my future. Will things ever change for the better? When? How? All important questions with no easy answers.

At 9:30, it was time for church to start. Once again, I stayed home to watch online. I already knew what the sermon would be about, I watched Saturday's service on the internet. I knew what songs they'd sing, and that prompted me to listen again.

My sister once made a correct observation that my church isn't normal. "It's like a rock concert," she said.

She is right. It does seem like you're at a rock concert when you're there. But that doesn't matter, there is no right or wrong way to worship Jesus when it comes to music. I often wondered, if my Catholic school would've worshiped like we do at Elevation, would I have taken my church more seriously? Probably not. I may not have been as bad as pop culture portrayed in some movies, but I was a rebellious Catholic school girl in uniform and loved rock'n roll.

Pastor Steven Furtick loved rock music when he grew up too, and so I presume that is one reason why the band plays on stage like they would in a rock show. The songs are all about Jesus, make no mistake. My church believes in the power of song, and the power to raise your voice and sing loud, and to allow yourself to feel the presence of God through music. 

Tell you what, it works. It sometimes even brings tears to your eyes. 

Today, I was caught off guard. Even though it hit me later on -like in the middle of the night when I should have been asleep - I realized the message in the songs were directed to me (so it seems). I listen to Elevation Worship on Pandora, as well as few worship bands like ‘Hillsong,’ and ‘Jesus Coulture.’  I've had time to reflect on the worship songs as I wrote this.

 Isreal Houghton, a popular worship singer, song writer and guitar player was a guest playing with the band at church this weekend. One of the first songs they played is called, 'Greater,' a song with a valuable message that means God is greater than anything else in this world. He is greater than our troubles, our fears, our heartaches. He has power over us, if we let Him have it. There is no one else like Him.

Houghton reminded us during the song, that Jesus has such strong power over the enemy that He was risen from the dead. His power over the bad luck in our careers, and those who betray and hurt us. He asked, if we know that, why would we give the power to the enemy and not to Jesus? Note the lyrics to the chorus of the song: 

"You have over-come the world, took the keys from death and hell. 

Joining in Heaven we declare,

 You're Greater!" 

Once again, if we know this, why must we allow ourselves to feel pity for our unfortunate circumstances? If we let the love of God over-power our minds, and our lives, there's no room for the devil to control us. 

Another powerful song that we love to sing at Elevation, originally sung by Jesus Culture  is called  'One thing Remains.'

Choosing to live in Jesus' ways isn't easy. Answers don't come to us so quickly. It's a matter of Faith, and belief that there is something Greater then us. If we don't forgive, it's actually an insult to Jesus. It's easy to forget that, but, Jesus did forgive us for sinning by dying on the cross. 

Is there anyone in your life that you believe loves you like Jesus does? I believe I see that love in my mother's eyes, in her actions, and her guidance. My dad, sister and niece have shown that kind of love to me too. With all the rejection that I've faced - and when the world walks out on me, there's one thing that remains with Jesus - and he proves that to me through my family.

"Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out me. Because,

on and on an on an on it goes. It overwhelms and satisfies my soul, 

and I never have to be afraid because one thing remains, 

your love fails never gives up never runs out one me. 

In death, and in life, I'm confident, and covered by the power of your great love.

My debt is paid, there's nothing that can separate my heart. Your love never fails!"

You can sing that all day because on and on and on it goes. It's easy to be inspired after hearing the songs. It's easy to get caught up in the show of the worship experience, it's easy to sing the songs every day, all day. But do you believe the meaning of the songs in your heart? I'm sure you do. But do you believe in your actions toward yourself, and your friends, family and co-workers? If we believe it, why do we allow ourselves to remember the rejections, and fear the future? Why do we fear failure?

The final song the band played was one that Pastor wrote with Houghton. The title is 'Grace so Glorious.' The meaning is strong, and we should allow grace to fill our hearts, and minds in times of trial. We should also learn to forgive ourselves for our sins, including the sin to worry, and become anxious, scared, and not trusting others in our lives. The chorus reminds us that Jesus is:

"Crowned in glory to glory worthy is the Lord of all the glory, forever holy is the Lord. 

Triumphant praises without end, all hailing the king of righteousness, 

and every eye beholds the One our hearts were undeserving of with a grace so glorious."

I may not be 'ready to make nice, not ready to back down.' But that's okay, though I can't change the past, and go back in time to make it all right, I can believe that with God, One thing Remains, his love is Greater, and his Grace is Glorious! My future can change for the better at a moments notice. I've decided that 'I ain't settlin'. That it's time to raise the bar high, because I'm tired of shooting so low.
 I think that my God agrees, and He is tired of seeing how I sell myself short and shooting too low.

Today, I will move forward without fear, but with courage.

Personal Athletic Mission Statement

Under Armour What's Beautiful Challenge - Mission Statement:

Live Fit For Life

I strive to live fit for life. I eat to live, and to have energy to get out and do things with family, friends and especially my niece. To train hard to be a positive role model for my niece.

Exercise is the one thing you can do that no one will ever take away from you. Own your workouts, and your run. Notice how you feel during, and after.

Always have fun training. Sure, it does get hard from time to time, but be sure to enjoy your time in the gym, in the pool, during your run.

Whatever your sport is, work hard, train hard!

Exercising doesn't solve your problems. Believe me, if I had a nickel for every time I went for a work-out, I'd probably be rich by now.  But, I can tell you honestly that exercising has helped me find my focus, and helped me find my positive attitude.

Here is the Bible verse I quoted in the video on my Under Armour page. 

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way to get the prize! Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get the crown that will not last, but we do it to get the crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly, I don't fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

Tuesday morning time-out

This morning I woke up needing a time-out.

Time-out from stress, and anxiety. There's a lot on my plate, and taking it all in alone is overwhelming.

First, I have to tell you about the funniest thing has been happening. My Pandora is possessed by Pat Benatar. Every time I log on to Pandora, Pat Benatar plays, no matter what station I was listening to last. So, I decided to delete the Benatar station. I logged on just before starting to write this, and guess who is playing on my Pandora? Pat Benatar!

Reality though, the stress I'm going through is not that funny, I wish it were.

In the Bible, Jesus tells us not to worry. To cast our fears, anxieties and stress onto him. I think that's easy to do when it comes to exercising, cleaning the house, putting up with drama with the neighbors, family or friends,  and even when you need to fall asleep at night but what happens when the problems you face are far to great? What happens when you're facing a challenge that is so much stronger and more serious? A problem that is so strong it can't be solved with prayers, or with an exercise routine.

God, and Jesus (to me they are two different people) are not in the business of creating miracles. If they were, I'd be stress free right now! Faith without work is dead- but my work isn't enough, nor is my faith.  I say my prayers, okay maybe not often enough but in a practical world, I've exhausted realistic approaches and there's no give. I'm on the losing end and no matter what I do, I don't think I'm coming out of this with a success story anytime soon.

One group of people tell me to exercise when I feel stressed. Well there genius, you are preaching to the choir considering how far ahead I am of you on that one. Sometimes, I just want to  scream, "Really? So if my four mile run didn't solve the problem, neither will a noon time yoga class, an afternoon, swim or an evening weight session. I mean seriously, how many times a day do I need to exercise anyway?"
But I don't have to be hateful, I can just say, 'Bless your heart!'

The only way it'll be reasonable for me to workout all day is if I'm either rich, or getting paid to exercise. I may be single, and living alone but I'm not rich. If I were rich, then I wouldn't be going through this anxiety because I wouldn't be faced with this (fill in the blank with a swear word of your choice).

Skipping a morning workout was a wise idea considering I needed to sit still and really focus on some practical solutions. Secondly, I'm sick of using exercising as an escape from stress. I prefer to focus on the workout, so don't worry, I do have a date with my dumbbells, yoga mat and running shoes tonight. I'll probably be stronger, and more effective later anyway.

Participating in the What's Beautiful, Under Armour Woman's challenge is the best decision I've made this year. It's keeping me focused, and driven. My goal is to run a 5K in less than 23 minutes, sounds a little lofty right?
 My long-term dream is to be a certified trainer, and yoga teacher. Sounds like a practical dream to have right? To have both, it would open up doors not only in the gyms and studios, but in writing. However, I need about $3,000 to achieve both goals, and that is not practical as of now. To spare myself time, and to keep this blog short, I tend to believe not being certified is both a blessing and a curse.

My wish is to have a stronger network group because the majority of people I know in my every day life don't want me to live athletic. My wish is that the people who (say they) support me to stop telling me to go in a different direction, and to help me with what I've been working so hard to achieve. I'm often advised to go in the opposite direction of doing what I want to do- and to do the opposite of what genuinely makes me feel happy, complete and worthy. It breaks my heart, my soul and my spirit to know that the people who claim to be my friend, who claim they love me always try to curb my goal. I have to do this alone to get it done, and in the end when I do accomplish my goals, I'm alone. Not because I pushed people out of my life, but because people pushed themselves out by doubting me.
I'm sick of negative comments being the source of my drive, and the reason for getting it done.

I do put exercise on the top of my priority list, right alongside writing. I'm so passionate about the two it scares me. Since I've accepted Jesus at Christmas, I've decided to treat my commitment to living a Christian life like I treat my exercise goals, it's worked for me. But I wish that it were easy with all the other obstacles. With work, with finances, with friendships. Learning how to be an entrepreneur with zero over-head in a field where I probably need a couple hundred dollars to get started- not to mention a few hundred for personal cost of living expenses is difficult. I digress.

 I'm thankful that Sunday's service was about "What to do when unforeseen circumstances derail me!" Because right now, that is my biggest of all big problems. I'm  so derailed - that it'll take a lot to get me back on the right tracks.

In John 21, Jesus does  not tell the fishermen who have been sitting for hours waiting for fish to get out of the boat to go to another lake to find fish. He tells them to throw the fishing net to the other side of the boat. Soon, the net was filled with fish.

Today, I will not get out of the boat I've been in but I guess I will throw 'my fishing net' to other side of that boat, and see what happens.

From derailed to reconnected

I decided to stay home this weekend and take advantage of watching a sermon online. Uptown Charlotte is about 12 miles or so from where I live, so there are times I need to be conservative with my gas mileage and today was one of those days where I had to keep the car parked.

Elevation Church is sending their campus pastors on a road trip, and they get to preach at different locations. That also means a preacher other than Steve Furtick will lead the main sermon; today's sermon was preached by Pastor John Bishop, he is the one that relocated to Toronto, Canada to open the newest campus.

I personally believe it was fitting for P. Bishop to preach about what to do when your life gets derailed. He has first hand experience from having dealt with infertility with his wife- and the fact that he was relocated to Canada when he was happy living in Charlotte. So the question is,

"What do you do when unforeseen circumstances derail you?"

It seems that my life struggles are so weak compared to others, but the reality, my problems are not less significant because I don't suffer from cancer, or that I didn't lose my house in a storm, or that I don't have to raise kids alone. We have become a society where people love to compare their problems to others, as if it justifies your situation may not be so bad, and it's okay to ignore it.

Living single puts you in so many situations where you have to deal with financial responsibility alone. Living within your means takes on a whole different meaning, Some people think it's easier, others think the solution is to get married.
As a society, we need to stop treating the single life as it is a disease, and marriage is the cure.
Sure I did make the conscience decision to be single for so many different reasons, and I know it's the right choice for me. Living single, not dating seems to be the only thing in life I am in control of, besides my work-out routine.
Every relationship I've been in - I've been derailed and re-routed in to a different direction than I planned on. And not for the better either.

That's what this blog is about, what do I do when I have a passion to live my life as I see right for me- single, with God, as an athlete and writer, and hold on to my friendships, and to maybe start a relationship.

It doesn't matter what I'm facing today, God is a good God and he'll see me through this path I'm on. I feel like I'm at a dead end from a detour that I was thrown in.
How do I convert the detour that derails me, into an engine that drives me forward? There are three answers.

 Realize my position.
Where am I? What am I fishing for?
The answers are a little bit personal to reveal online, but I can say that I strive to live a more stable, balanced life with boundaries that are respected. I need to make sure my boundaries are understood. I'm slowly becoming complacent,which is the place I pray to never be! Time to snap out of it, and reclaim my passion!

Reclaim my passion - and my passion with God.
Passion can make us act strange, and make wild decisions. Sometimes, being passionate makes us seem a bit, obsessive, and maybe insane.
I'm sure you now know that I'm passionate about a fitness lifestyle. I've often been accused of obsessiveness, and the reality is - that drives me forward and leads me to success. To be a strong leader, you have to be passionate, and effective.
As you can also see, I'm becoming more passionate about living a Christian lifestyle.
My passions include sports, and writing, and Christ. To be a positive role model to my niece, and other children.
The list of passions I have could go on and on and on- that I could write a novel about them. The reality is, I'm a passionate person and there's nothing I do without doing it passionately, or I won't do it at all.
A message to men, especially because I've been told this a million times, if my passion is to strong for you, then you are the wrong man for me. Just accept that.

Remember my purpose.
When I understand my purpose,  I can see my value.
Once I realize my purpose, and my value, I believe setting my boundaries and sticking to them will be easier. It will probably make my peers respect me more. Maybe, when I take a firm hold on to purpose, my friendliness won't be misunderstood, taken for granted, and abused.


Bible verses this sermon was based around: John 21